My plans, your plans, His plans? My purpose?

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.Then you will call to me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. “

Jeremiah 29: 11-13

Have you ever felt you have little or no purpose except medicine bottles, walkers, and sleepless nights? Even though we are “taught” that we (husband and wife) battle this Parkinson dragon together. It can be a lonely road, for the caregiver and the patient, especially if the caregiver had some bucket list items that were never “checked off” and the partner is not able to share in those retirement experiences. I’ve often heard it said “This is NOT how I pictured our retirement!”  Wait a minute! This is not what I envisioned as the last big roundup either! Sound familiar? ?  Where are the bucking broncos, the plane rides to distant countries, the color, the fun and mystery of new and different? What purpose is there in mucking the identical stalls day after boring day, riding the same flat range, losing all hope of independent fun?? The kids are grown with families of their own-now it’s our time-right?

 Then in strolls PD and everything changes! The dresser, where once pamphlets of world wonderful sites awaited nightly reading now is littered with doctor’s medication scripts and vials of various colored pills. Instead of an open suitcase being piled with folded shirts there rests a walker and a commode for night time trips. Visas hold expired dates and calendars are covered with giant red exes! The final straw is sitting beside your best friends and watching their home movies of Egypt, their recent get away! Oh, it may not be travel that was your dream-volunteer work with needy kids or weekly bridge with the neighbors, shopping sprees with your best friends, or golf every day.

God has plans. They may be crafted different than we imagined but God is always good, as are His plans for you. In Jeremiah we are told God knows the plans He has for us and if we seek Him with our whole heart we will find Him and then we will know and understand those perfect plans. Our life does have purpose, no matter the condition of it, as He so beautifully showed me a few days ago.

Allow me a few moments to share.

It was one of those tougher than usual mornings where emotions ran wild and erratic as the tremors took over the fingers and pain radiated down my scoliosis back. Why, Lord, am I here. What good is this ???Upon returning from a brief walk I pulled out my Bible and read the Daily Bread devotional, which in essence challenged me to praise God for His gift of music. As I began to seek Him with my whole heart He reminded me that one of our grandchildren is gifted in playing the violin so I texted him with the devotional and His reply revealed my purpose: “Thanks Nani. I love playing for God, myself and you.” Hey all you grandparents out there. Your purpose above all others is to reflect Jesus to your grandchildren. Could there be any task more noble, more fulfilling, more satisfying?

I have a couple examples given to me through a friend via the Holy Spirit, ideas some of you might latch onto and run with, as I have done.

1. We want our children to read and know God’s Word but sometimes it is difficult for them to understand so why doesn’t grandma Bible journal?  That translates into a year drawing little cartoons or translating a special Bible verse in the side margin, complete with bright colors. Pray each day as you read the scripture and draw/write in their individual Bible.  Be sure you let them know you prayed for them each day you opened their Bible. Give them this Bible when they turn 16. (One of my grandsons told me that he won’t take the Bible out of his room for fear of damaging it or losing it so it resides on a special shelf when he isn’t reading it.)
2. Write a letter to each grandchildren when they graduate high school  congratulating them, adding  a little $ and explaining the importance of not being “unequally yoked” Give them the book, “Boy meets Girl”’ a book to encourage a godly romantic relationship., or something comparable. (They may not listen to mom and dad in this area but they will often listen to grandparents.)

      I pray these suggestions will start your creative juices flowing and your eyes will be opened to your purpose: speaking to the next generation.

“A grandmother may not always fix everything, but she can place her family in God’s loving hands.”

 

Struggling-Devoping Strength through Weakness?

We all have struggles in various seasons of life; some physical, some financial, some relational, even spiritual. It’s a human condition all of us face but I must admit I think PwP face more than their share! 

One of the most difficult struggles for a PwP (person with Parkinson Disease) is with medication, especially in the later stages of the disease.

There are a plethora of different meds “out there”, as varied as the human fingerprint. The gold standard is Sinemet and daily I thank the individual or company who discovered that “miracle” for Parkinson Disease. But it’s not necessarily always the answer; too much and you develop dyskinesia, which results in violent, wild movements, as well as possible hallucinations.(Never forget the night I kept company with a lion!)Too little and the tremors ramp up and become very debilitating. There are many other side effects but I’m most familiar with these because of my own experiences.

 In some ways it parallels the bodies need for sugar, which is the diabetic struggle, except in Parkinson there is no way to determine that you are half full or approaching empty of your necessary level ,of dopamine, (Dopamine is often called the "feel-good" chemical-a crucial neurotransmitter, a hormone in the body. It acts as a messenger between neurons. primarily driving the brain's reward system, motivating you to repeat beneficial or pleasurable behaviors like eating, socializing, and achieving goals) No finger prick or other monitor reading warns you that you are low. When you are actually empty you are SUDDENLY off the cliff and its not a gradual fall. Some people call it their “off” periods but for me I would call it a brief descent into h__ __ __!-my legs give out, my stomach cramps, my mind goes into a drunkin state with confusion and slurred speech and I pray for respite. It lasts approximately 20-30 minutes but can go on for an hour or longer, Please understand I share simply for your knowledge not for sympathy. We PwP patients do what we can to extend our“on” periods when we actually match the dopamine levels with what is needed in the body. Oh how lovely to feel good, to sleep longer than a 90 minute period, to read a novel with steady hands and walk without a cane, to laugh at a joke, participate in a meaningful conversation-in other words be a real human!

Recently I learned that most Parkinson Patients are also HSP. . What is that label? Highly Sensitive Person. Yes ,it really is a “condition”! For more detailed information check out the book: The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine N. Aron “How to thrive when the world overwhelms you”

It is a common trait for Parkinson Patients, something else to “struggle with”. Yet just knowing this classification existed was empowering. I felt validated when I turned up the thermostat every 5 minutes or refused to wear an item of clothing in the closet because it recently felt tight; why going into a crowded church or Costco made me break out in a sweat; feeling more and more shy with groups I used to lead; why sirens give me chills and coarse fabric causes me to throw the item across the room; why being hungry causes an extreme reaction in me-:

I’m a HSP and proud of it!! My caregiver, my hubby, has learned to carry an extra sweater as well as a small fan!. 

So where am I going with this state of affairs? I’m going to Paul and verse 10 of chapter 12 of 2 Corinthians..God’s power is really made perfect through our weaknesses.( And boy do we have them). We can’t do it on our own. We need the power of the Holy Spirit! Truly when we are weak we really are strong! 

2 Corinthians 12:7-10 

“…a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this , that it would leave me. (But Jesus says,) “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”

For the sake of Christ, then I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

The Handicapped Placard

The Handicapped Placard

“He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy.” Job 8:21

On one of my more difficult days I frankly asked Hunter {my sweet husband of 54 years), “ What do you get out of this angst?” He cocked his head looking intently in my face and whispered, “One smile. If I can coax one tiny smile onto your face I am happy and fulfilled.”
And believe me he is generally successful, which is quite the feat considering he is married to a straight laced German whose laugh lines are pretty smooth. Yet his goofy Italian stunts are hard to resist!

Case in point:

Last week I had my yearly doctor exam with my general practitioner. At the close of the visit I requested the necessary paperwork to obtain a handicap placard. Since I do not drive anymore it is probably not necessary because Hunter generally drops me off at the door of wherever I want or need to enter. Yet there have been a few times in gusts of wind or rain downpours it would have been less stressful to simply park close then to attempt a quick jog, which I don’t do well, Hunter will run to the truck and have me wait but I generally don’t wait well, so out in the “gulley-washer” I waddle.
(I also should note that since neither of us appear handicapped, on first glance, Hunter HATES to use the dreaded CARD hanging on the mirror!)

To get back to the story :

After the doctor visit we drove to the BMV, filled out the necessary information, and left with the coveted cardboard handicap placard, which I immediately tucked under the insurance papers in the glove compartment.
A few days later, over the busy Memorial week-end we visited our daughter in Rochester, Minnesota. While there we went grocery shopping at the local Hy-Vee. I pulled the placard out of its resting place, excited to try out this little gem, while Terri began to park the truck. Instead of near the front glass door Hunter directs his daughter to park in the furthest possible parking space in the entire business?? “What are you doing?” I question. He looks at his daughter and laughs,”This is how you use handicapped placards in Minnesota!”

As I smile he reminds me that PwPs are suppose to exercise and this is my exercise today! it is not quite so funny as we wheel a cart full of groceries back to the car when done shopping. To add just a bit more humor to the outing while Terri loads the groceries in the truck Hunter proceeds to gather up all wayward carts in the entire parking lot as though he was an employee wrapping up his daily chores.

Another smile “quest” accomplished!

I share this silly story to encourage each of you , both PwPs (People with Parkinson Disease) and care-givers to smile at least once an hour and laugh at least once a day.
It’s a gift from God.

I recently read in a Parkinson brochure “Laughter provides significant benefits for Parkinson’s disease, aiding in both coping strategies and symptom management. In addition, it helps to manage stress,”

So fellow PwPs lets take in a funny movie or smile at a corny joke, and know we just swallowed some of God’s good medicine!

P.S. Today, before blog publication, we were in Target buying hair product for me when I heard Hunter imitating a male moose as he “hunted” for the can of mousse!
Another day of smiles!!!

“Parkinson Disease is not a linear function?????”

(Part 1)

What?

“What are you talking about dear? “ This statement comes straight from the mouth of my science-loving husband. We were having a discussion concerning my disease or rather to be totally honest I was complaining about the ups and downs of this particular malady. One moment you feel empowered to “take on the world, or rather just to go shopping by yourself without the aid of a cane”. You skip to the first door threshold, freeze and end up on your knees, grabbing for the walker admitting defeat once more. Looking up into the sweet face of my caregiver as he mouths “remember Parkinson Disease is NOT a linear function.”

As best as I can understand a linear function resembles a line which  generally travels straight down a hill in one direction. A non-linear function line is a twisting, pattern-less line. Parkinson Disease would be illustrated as non-linear.

Parkinson Disease is a bully. He does not just gradually slow you down but pushes and shoves you around; one day tripping you so you fall on your face, while the next several days allowing you some feelings of normalcy so you can make a few plans only to laugh out loud as you get stuck in the mud and all those precious plans fly out the window. Parkinson Disease (PD) has no rhyme or reason,; no sympathy or concern. I believe Satan latched onto it when discovered solely to wreck havoc in the body in as many ways and places as humanly possible, It’s a cruel game he plays for his own bizarre entertainment.. like a twisted line!

 

“Parkinson Disease is not a linear function?????”

(Part 2)

OK , so I have to accept the unplanned, deal with the unexplainable, but what can I do to make this more bearable? For several days I have rolled this question around in my head until the lightening bolt strikes and it all sounds easy-make my burden lighter and I might actually float down the curvy road instead of bouncing.surprising Satan along the route. By this I mean take things out of the backpack we all carry on our backs and it will be lighter. So I sit with paper and pencil and list 10 possibilities-different for everybody.

 

1. I can take out plane rides and travel oversea. (seen enough of the world)
2. I can take out my drivers license.(Hunter can do the driving.)
3. I can take out several foods-(like fats, sugar ?, steak).
4. I can take out style in clothes-(no zippers, buttons, tight clothes-all for comfort).
5. I can take out parties-(can’t handle loud noise and lots of motion).
6. I can take out hiking and biking long distances. (A short distance showcases God’s beauty)
7. I can take out most restaurants. (Maybe an ice cream cone now and then).
8. I can take out 8 straight hours of sleep. (2-3 hours then wake briefly for meds)
9. I can take out rolling on the floor with grandchildren (I’ll play with them on the couch)
10. I can take out going to the movies (wait until the show broadcasts on the TV)

It’s a good start and I already feel lighter. I’m reminded of a Bible verse which says: 

Philippians 4:6-7 (NLT): "Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand…”

I may not get all I want but He provides what I need and gives me peace. As we enter the twilight years isn’t that truly what we crave-peace and a deep relationship with our creator and savior?

Yes-That’s what I need and truly want-peace. Peace to sit and enjoy a sunset, to hear a waterfall, to rock on the porch in my rocking chair, to say thank-you God for this day and what you have planned for me tomorrow, even if it is non-linear! 

Chickens!

My son and his family recently moved to a 4.9 acre piece of property complete with a house and several out buildings. The first out building was just renovated and it houses 12 beautiful birds. These chickens are not your typical dirty white blobs roaming the ground pecking at everything that moves, even barefoot toes. Can you tell I’m not a fan? I was raised on a farm in Iowa and although we did not own these egg laying birds I had friends who did and gathering th eggs was not a coveted chore.
My son’s hens are multicolored each with a name and unique personality. For several weeks they enjoyed the warmth of the laundry room in the house and the daily attention of the grandsons. Moving day came after my son had made them individual egg “birthing” boxes, a special feeder, spots to roost and other tantalizing perks. The grandsons carried them outside to the chicken coop in the plastic box, their original home for several weeks. The container was placed on the floor of the new coop and we expected an immediate escape to the freedom of space and a plethora of interesting areas to nest. Yet they hesitated jumping on the lip of the box then returning backwards to the familiar box. Over and again each exhibited this same behavior. They were afraid of the unknown, not trusting what we were encouraging them to do. Never mind the grandsons had proven trustworthy, always treating them well. As I saw the chickens balancing on the edge I thought of my recent struggle with Parkinson Disease-tremors! I HATE tremors! I can’t fall asleep while my hands are shaking so I take an extra dose of medication and sit up until the tremors subside. In addition I play Christian music and read. I often look to Hunter to have an answer or to my neurologist. They have had the answers to other problems-why not tremors?
The day I watched the chickens tedder-totter on the edge of their box afraid of the unknown I thought of my relationship to God. As the chickens didn’t trust their new home I realized I was not totally trusting God. I was afraid of the unknown-not having a medical idea of how I was going to sleep when the tremors would not stop.So when the night came and the shakes would not stop I cried out “help me God. I don’t have the answer but you do so I’ll lay down and trust you to take over.”And He did! As I quietly talked to Him I fell asleep not aware of the shaking. I’m not saying there is a permanent miracle cure because there is not. I will continue to struggle BUT God was there. He heard my plea, touched my body saying: “I did it now and I‘ll do it again. Just trust me. I know what is best for you!” This is a hard lesson, considering all the problems of this disease. Yet I was encouraged to know I’m not alone at 2:00 am. He’ll answer me as I call out to Him.

“ No good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly. O Lord of hosts, blessed is the man who trusts in you.” Psalm 84: 11-12


P.S. The chickens eventually jumped into their luxury apartment and are happy!

Why?

Why don’t the fingers stay in place while I type?

Why can’t I dice the red pepper?

Why can’t I read what the hand wrote?

Why can’t I tie the shoe laces?

Why don’t the lips smile?

Why do I feel like I’m walking through quick sand and slowly sinking?

Why am I restless at 3:00 am walking the hall with the grouchy bear hallucination

Why? Why? Why?

In my head I know the answer but my heart doesn’t want to agree.

Don’t try to pacify me, dear hubby, it is NOT old age! It’s Parkinson’s Disease and-

I HATE IT! 

OK-said it. Feel better. I’ve learned there are times when you must allow the pent up emotions to escape. Let the lion out of the cage and encourage him to roar. Or cry until dry on hubbies shoulder. Then return to what you know to be true:

“We glory in our sufferings which produce perseverance; perseverance character; and character hope. And hope does not put us to shame because God’s love has been poured into our heart through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.” Romans 5:3-5

The question is not why but why not?