"The Caregiver"

 II see his shadow at the foot of my bed, tears cascade over the wrinkles and his lips are moving with no sound in the night quiet. He’s  praying for me. 

He rises` at 2:15 A.M. as I cry out,”I need meds!” He hustles to the bedroom returning with water and necessary pills to allow me a few more hours of rest before the violent tremors return. As I drift off to sleep he’s under his nightlight recording the amount and time of administering medication.

7:00 a.m. finds my caregiver stirring homemade oatmeal and delivering me a steaming cup of green tea laced with local honey.

Laundry is tumbling in the dryer and fresh sour dough bread rises on the counter. I drag myself out of bed and shuffle into the living room met with a kiss and sweet smile totally undeserved as my sweaty body plops onto the couch, complaining of more tremors and reach once again for meds-like a heroine addict whose focus is on the next fix! He deserves more but that’s all I can give at the moment!

Morning sunshine finds him washing windows, vacuuming the floor, while cutting up stew meat for tonight’s dinner of beef and gravy. Never a complaint. Never a  sigh of “wish I could play pckleball”Instead he tenderly cups my face landing a kiss on my nose while smiling to ask, “what delicacy can I fix my sweet wife?” I marvel at those sparkling eyes. He looks at me like Christ looks at the church-full of compassion and selfless love. 

As the day progresses he never seems to tire of serving me. In fact he  has said that he feels guilty knowing God has allowed me to be ill so he can learn to serve as Christ served!!

A long day of changing wet sheets, washing windows, preparing a three course meal, washing dishes by himself, filling tomorrow’s medicine bottles, grinding wheat for tomorrow’s batch of sour dough bread. The day draws to a close he reminds me of our nightly Bible reading and Cribbage game followed by who can come up with the word for “Wordle first” activities.

As he snores I marvel at God’s blessings! I have my own….

chemist! 

chef! 

game partner!

advocate! 

cheerleader! 

record keeper! 

sage! (one who is wise)

Teacher

and on and on the list goes!!!

Now lest you think he’s one of a kind, isn’t he?

It’s your perspective that determines the qualities in your caregiver. 

If you are the caregiver recipient it’s whose eyes you are looking through. Are you looking at your caregiver through the eyes of Jesus??

Jesus is the one and only true caregiver. He cared so much that He was willing to die for his caregiver recipients, which was and is the world-past, present, and future! I’m so glad He sacrificed the ultimate so I can always be cared for by Him! 

John 3:16

“God so loved the world that He gave His one and only son, that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.”

"Cancel...cancel...cancel

Cancel the upscale restaurant reservation…

Cancel the camping trip…

Cancel the wedding reception reservations …

Cancel playing with two great-grandchildren you haven’t yet met…

Cancel order for an emerald necklace…

Cancel hair cut appoint…

Cancel, cancel, cancel and on it goes.

Disappointment drips from my heart as I once again face dreams shattered, appointments gone, sitting at home nursing a stomach ache, crazy wild tremors, or other such disturbing health issues related to my “dragon friend”-Parkinson’s Disease! 

You want to guess how many times I have anticipated the aroma and taste of a delicious  menu at an upscale restaurant only to try and explain to the head waitress why I have to cancel the day of the event- ? at least 10 times in the last three years! 

Is it the devil laughing as he adds another check mark to his chalkboard of victories over the believer?

Is it a mini-course in God’s school of sanctification-“Growing the Believer 101”?

Or is it simply part of being human-something to accept and move on?

I don’t have the answer, obviously, since I’ve been down this road once or twice.

One thing I do rest on is the knowledge that it is God’s battle and He is fighting for and with me. 

There is a story in the book of 2 Chronicles 20 that is a beautiful example of God fighting battles for “His Own”.

Jehoshaphat was the fourth king of the southern Kingdom of Judah, ruling for 25 years around the 9th century BC. He is remembered as a good and godly king who strengthened his nation and sought God.

At that time in the history of the Jewish people there were a number of nations who were out to fight and destroy Israel, actually no different than today! At this point in their history it was the Moabites and the Ammonites. Immediately when Jehoshaphat learned of this approaching enemy he proclaimed a fast for all the people, then stood up in the assembly to seek the Lord. Jehoshaphat reminded God that Israel had been good to these people in times past “Our God, will you not judge them? For we have no power to face this vast army that is attaching us. We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on you.” (I’ve often cried out with a similar voice: “I don’t know what to do, but my eyes are on you.”)

This is what the Lord said: “Do not be afraid or discouraged. ..For the battle is not yours, but God’s. Take up your positions and stand strong and see the deliverance the Lord will give you. Go out to face them tomorrow and the Lord will be with you.”

I think the ending of this story is simply fantastic! In the early morning the people as a group go out to do battle singing: “Give thanks to the Lord, for his love endures forever..! When they approach the battle field they discover the vast armies are all dead, having  fought against each other!! The men of Israel not only do not have to do battle but discover a huge array of plunder all for them!!!

Our God does for us far more than we could ever ask!! His generosity is beyond our imagination. We just need to open our eyes to recognize it! To truly end this story are verses 29-30. “The fear of God came on all the surrounding kingdoms when they heard how the Lord had fought against the enemies of Israel. And the kingdom of Jehoshaphat was at peace, for his God had given him rest on every side.”  Wow-powerful!! 

When I read my own words here I am awed that God puts up with my complaining, whining, feeling sorry for myself! Even today He is showing me that He cares and is in the process of fighting for me-trying a new Parkinson medication that offers hope for longer rest at night and less distress during the daytime hours. 

Isaiah 43:19

“Do not lose hope in times of trouble, for God is working in the unseen! His hand is steady and His timing is perfect in bringing good out of the difficult.” 

He certainly did that for Jehoshaphat and He will do it for me and for you!

 

Crying

 I’ve never been a person who cries easily. In fact, there have been moments where I wish I could cry-at a funeral or maybe while hugging a sad teenager, when a friend unloads her problems over a cup of tea, or being held by a husband who says he’s sorry for a harsh word. Tears just don’t come easily to me or should I say they did not come easily in the past but now I’m a walking faucet. Why now? Parkinson’s Disease, of course.  Definitely it is the root of the majority of my emotional “flowers” popping up recently. Not only do I see “weeping” willows, but  “sad” petunias and “depressed” tulips. 

What do I do with this bouquet of depressive thoughts? Where ever it came from I want it returned!! What! There is a no return policy? 

“Depression affects about 50 percent of people with Parkinson’s disease. It is not just an emotional reaction to a hard diagnosis. Brain changes from Parkinson’s lower chemicals like dopamine and serotonin.”

So I have a reason to cry but I don’t like it-the sad feelings, the heaviness that feels like a giant wet blanket has just been thrown over my head. I have difficulty moving, engaging in whatever is happening around me, even trouble breathing. I well remember one middle of the night experience with my husband that is still the epicenter of discussion on this topic. It was 3:00 a.m. and I not only could not sleep but I was extremely agitated trying to lie still in our bed so my husband could sleep. Finally, after an hour of agony I sat up in bed and  screamed: “Get me out of here!” At that time I was confined to a wheel chair as I had a cast on my left foot from a recent foot surgery, Hunter bolted straight up looking at me and asked: 

“What can I do?”

“Take me for a walk.” 

“At 3:00 a.m.?”

“Yes!” 

So Hunter puts on a pair of shorts ,(thankfully it was summer!), puts me in the wheel chair, pulls a shirt over my head, opens the front door and off we go up and down the street.  I began to breath in the fresh air and my body relaxed. After 30+ minutes I felt I could return to our home and resume attempted sleep. That trip proved two important points: I could come out of the depressive state and I married a marvelous man!!

Recently I tested some medication that seems to work well with a number of my “Parkinson” friends. I tried it on two separate occasions, giving it a two week trial but my body would not tolerate it in my stomach and I ended up with intense nausea after each dose. This is my bodies typical reaction to new meditations. 

Where does this leave me? Must I simply endure the sadness, sit under the wet blanket not able to interact with people, cry uncontrollably? 

Thankfully, as a believer, I’ve often turned to Jesus on this topic. He continues to hold my hand, walking through suffering with me but there are times I just don’t feel him there. It’s not a matter of lack of faith. He promised me he’d never leave me nor forsake me (Deuteronomy 31:6) and He hasn’t. Yet what do I do when I don’t feel him near?

He directed me to a book called “Breath as Prayer ; Calm your anxiety, 

Focus Your Mind, And Renew Your Soul” by Jennifer Tucker

It involves “Breath Prayers”

Breath Prayers:

Short, mostly one sentence prayers

Rooted in Scripture

Aligned with the rhythm of the breath; first half is

     Prayed while inhaling, second half is prayed while exhaling

Repeated several times to meditate on God’s Word

Mind FULL-focusing the mind on Christ

Directed upwards, to God

This technique has literally been a game changer for me. I’m teaching myself to deep breathe while repeating scripture to God. This method of relaxing my body has certainly aided me in controlling my times of depression & anxiety.

God is good. I discovered once again that God meets me at my point of need!!

Do I really trust You?

 Do I really Trust You?

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart,

Lean not on your own understanding;

In all your ways acknowledge him, and He 

Will surely direct your paths.”

(Proverbs 3:5-6)

Will He really direct my paths? Is He really that dependable? Can I swing on the trapeze of life without a net?I thought I could say yes to this question until I  recently stepped on the tightrope and discovered my balance pole was missing. I must have a pole! OK-no pole I then need a backup plan! Where’s the net? I have to have a net!

I discovered I don’t really trust Him with my Parkinson Disease. At my recent neurology appointment I had a page of recent developments all related to my disease. One of these will work for me, if not now later, when I need it!

There was :

DBS (deep brain stimulator). Electrodes are implanted in the brain that control tremors and other Parkinson Disease problems.

FU (Focused Ultrasound) a noninvasive, incisionless therapeutic technology that uses high-frequency sound waves to target tissue deep in the body.

Wearable pump (like diabetes use) to determine amount of meds necessary and it avoids the stomach, which is often the cause of long term problems.

Crexont-new pharmaceutical to extend time between does, giving one more sleep and less “watching the clock”during the day.

OK, so none of them work for me-meds make me sick, surgical interventions too risky at my age, and with extremely sensitive skin I’d be allergic to wearable pump. 

Back to trusting God TOTALLY! 

Just two nights ago He showed me I can indeed trust Him to meet alll my needs.

The following little story is true! A few days ago Terri, our daughter,  suggested a movie to watch called Nefarious. She is concerned that we are aware of Satan’s power and His plans. Although it was fictional it made one aware of what is truly happening all around us in the “unseen world.” As I watched it I became more and more upset. Half way through the movie I quit it and decided I could not stomach the evil portrayed by this actor. I was even angry at my daughter, yet it was the best thing she could have done. I maintained a heavy persona the remainder of the evening. 

Before Hunter and I retire each night we have established a comfortable routine: read the daily assigned Bible passage (we are reading it together in one year), pray, play a game of Cribbage, do Wordle (the New York word game that stretches your mind to figure out the hidden 5 letter different word every night.) Then off to bed.  Our Bible passage was Psalm 6, which incidentally applied directly to me as I’ve struggled with a strong desire for healing from Parkinson Disease and the anguish that accompanies that desire. I’ve spent a number of nights “flooding my bed with weeping”, shedding many tears only to realize once again that God hears my weeping and accepts my prayer! Often the heaviness lifts and I go to bed refreshed but not tonight. I pull out the iPhone and remind Hunter it’s time for Wordle. We take turns guessing the word when suddenly we both get it at the same moment and in shock look at each other in disbelief! The word is demon! Really? Is God saying something to me? Although restless I make my way to bed and drift off. In the middle of the night I suddenly wake up with a feeling of foreboding so I start to pray. As I pray God gives me a vision of Christian’s bed and room of classmates at the National Guard training center, where Christian is spending several weeks preparing for his duties in the Guard. I see beds with eyes glowing under them, all except Christian’s which is “vacant”. I immediately know what to do -pray, ask God for protection for Christian. As I pray suddenly Michael, the angel who battles evil in the Bible is standing at the head of Christian’s bed with sword drawn. Meanwhile the remainder of the demons retreat to the corners of their beds and shiver. I continue to pray for Christian’s protection and the protection of all his cousins. Finally I fall into bed engulfed in God’s peace and comfort knowing full well I can indeed trust Him for the future!

Dystonia-Dys what?

After a great deal of reading I believe, although not discussed with my neurologist as of yet, that I have dystonia of the stomach, referred to as "abdominal wall dystonia" or "truncal dystonia".

Dystonia is a neurological movement disorder that causes involuntary muscle contractions, resulting in twisting, repetitive movements. It can affect one specific muscle, a group of muscles, or the entire body, and the involuntary spasms are often painful.

It feels like it is coming from "inside" the stomach or GI tract, but it is actually a neurological issue causing involuntary, sustained contractions and cramping of the outer skeletal muscles of your torso. 

The Lord seems to think I am “special" and can  juggle a NUMBER of medical issues at the same time: Parkinson Disease, dystonia, urinary incontinence, micrographia, arthritic knees, hallux rigid (removal of knuckle of big toe resulting in, for me, three surgeries and a MRSA infection), and scoliosis. 

Now this is not a brag list, as though one would brag about having Parkinson Disease, nor a list of accompaniments, but rather a list you might use as a comparison to your “specials” and say,”Thank you Lord! I’m glad I don’t have _____ to deal with daily.” Remember there is always a blessing waiting around the corner no matter what you are wading through! Today my blessing is a new grandson. Thank you, JESUS for Roy Andrew Boughman!

                                                                        Psalm 42:5-6

“Why are you cast down, Oh my soul?

And why are you in turmoil within me?

Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,

my salvation and my God.”

"Hold on to hope. 

It's a good thing,

maybe the best of things."

(from The Shawshank Redemption)

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