Crying

 I’ve never been a person who cries easily. In fact, there have been moments where I wish I could cry-at a funeral or maybe while hugging a sad teenager, when a friend unloads her problems over a cup of tea, or being held by a husband who says he’s sorry for a harsh word. Tears just don’t come easily to me or should I say they did not come easily in the past but now I’m a walking faucet. Why now? Parkinson’s Disease, of course.  Definitely it is the root of the majority of my emotional “flowers” popping up recently. Not only do I see “weeping” willows, but  “sad” petunias and “depressed” tulips. 

What do I do with this bouquet of depressive thoughts? Where ever it came from I want it returned!! What! There is a no return policy? 

“Depression affects about 50 percent of people with Parkinson’s disease. It is not just an emotional reaction to a hard diagnosis. Brain changes from Parkinson’s lower chemicals like dopamine and serotonin.”

So I have a reason to cry but I don’t like it-the sad feelings, the heaviness that feels like a giant wet blanket has just been thrown over my head. I have difficulty moving, engaging in whatever is happening around me, even trouble breathing. I well remember one middle of the night experience with my husband that is still the epicenter of discussion on this topic. It was 3:00 a.m. and I not only could not sleep but I was extremely agitated trying to lie still in our bed so my husband could sleep. Finally, after an hour of agony I sat up in bed and  screamed: “Get me out of here!” At that time I was confined to a wheel chair as I had a cast on my left foot from a recent foot surgery, Hunter bolted straight up looking at me and asked: 

“What can I do?”

“Take me for a walk.” 

“At 3:00 a.m.?”

“Yes!” 

So Hunter puts on a pair of shorts ,(thankfully it was summer!), puts me in the wheel chair, pulls a shirt over my head, opens the front door and off we go up and down the street.  I began to breath in the fresh air and my body relaxed. After 30+ minutes I felt I could return to our home and resume attempted sleep. That trip proved two important points: I could come out of the depressive state and I married a marvelous man!!

Recently I tested some medication that seems to work well with a number of my “Parkinson” friends. I tried it on two separate occasions, giving it a two week trial but my body would not tolerate it in my stomach and I ended up with intense nausea after each dose. This is my bodies typical reaction to new meditations. 

Where does this leave me? Must I simply endure the sadness, sit under the wet blanket not able to interact with people, cry uncontrollably? 

Thankfully, as a believer, I’ve often turned to Jesus on this topic. He continues to hold my hand, walking through suffering with me but there are times I just don’t feel him there. It’s not a matter of lack of faith. He promised me he’d never leave me nor forsake me (Deuteronomy 31:6) and He hasn’t. Yet what do I do when I don’t feel him near?

He directed me to a book called “Breath as Prayer ; Calm your anxiety, 

Focus Your Mind, And Renew Your Soul” by Jennifer Tucker

It involves “Breath Prayers”

Breath Prayers:

Short, mostly one sentence prayers

Rooted in Scripture

Aligned with the rhythm of the breath; first half is

     Prayed while inhaling, second half is prayed while exhaling

Repeated several times to meditate on God’s Word

Mind FULL-focusing the mind on Christ

Directed upwards, to God

This technique has literally been a game changer for me. I’m teaching myself to deep breathe while repeating scripture to God. This method of relaxing my body has certainly aided me in controlling my times of depression & anxiety.

God is good. I discovered once again that God meets me at my point of need!!