After hours and hours of no sleep I was on the floor crying. My heart was broken. Detox? How is it possible to get this poison out of my body? What had I done? My body was hooked to a drug called mirtazapine, prescribed by a gastroenterologist as a stomach relaxant in low doses. He never informed me that in high doses it is used to treat depressive disorders, a dangerous “mind”drug. We were not in the era yet of the constant use of search engines checking and rechecking possible side effects, or whatever else we wanted to learn about medications. At that time you relied totally on the knowledge of the doctor. Sometimes we forgot and today still forget that doctors are only “practicing” medicine and make mistakes.
As I lay there sobbing fighting what I knew I had to do to get off the drug I heard someone call my name:
“Nancy, Nancy”.
Now understand the jury is still out on whether I actually believe in visions or not, especially in today’s culture, During the time Jesus walked the earth, YES, I know God spoke to others for various reasons but now? I can’t totally explain it but I do know what was happening to me was real.
I turned my head to capture what was being said to me and I saw a curtain of tears and a heard a voice:”
“Nancy, pull back the curtain.”
Still lying on the floor I swiped my hand and the curtain of tears moved revealing Jesus sitting Indian style behind the wet wall. He gazed at me and whispered:
“Nancy, I won’t take your suffering away but I promise you that I will hold your hand and walk with you through the suffering.”
Silence permeated the room. I stood up, filled with a strange peace ,walked to my bedroom and lay beside Hunter falling into a comforting, warm sleep. This was three years ago, before I knew the extent of real suffering. Jesus has never left me! So many nights since I have felt his presence, holding my hand, reassuring me I’m not alone and that there is purpose in it all. Jesus never waists our suffering.
There is a Bible verse in Isaiah 43:2 which has become so precious to me:
“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you and through the river that will not overwhelm you, then through fire, and the flame shall not consume you.”
I am living proof of this truth.
Eventually I was able, with God’s help, to free myself of that drug dependance but now I am in a new place with the Parkinson’s Disease.
Suffering is knocking once more on the cracked, rusty door of my life. It has been over two years since I last heard and saw Jesus. I heard him again in the hush of the new storm. The disease, fast tracking more violent tremors, respiratory dyskinesia, sleepless nights, needing higher and higher doses of dopamine, possibly even facing brain surgery?
”Why? Why God? What is happening to me?”
A still, quiet voice breathed in my ear, “You can not write about something you have not experienced.” I sat in my chair stunned;
a truth I understood, not one I wanted to embrace!
So I find myself in an awkward position-craving to blog yet reluctant to pick up the pen as it might mean experiencing the pain!
The question remains: Do I trust God?
Will I take to heart Deuteronomy 31:6?
“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or panic for the Lord your God goes with you, (even ahead of you), he will never leave you nor forsake you!”
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