"I wanted a tumor."

As an amateur writer I never thought I would pen the following words: "I wanted a tumor". It's strange how our situations in life ebb and flow so that in a certain arena what we think we never wanted is exactly what we want. But let me back up a bit to lay the ground work for this desire.

As most of you know I struggle with Parkinson's disease. It comes with a package of motor and non-motor symptoms seemingly unique in their combinations affecting each individual differently. Some of them are so incredibly irritating that one would sacrifice much to see them disappear in smoke!!

I also have a "full blown" case of osteoporosis. Since Parkinsons gradually wears away one's balance I thought it prudent to visit an internist who specializes in bone strength to discuss my options. Prior to my visit I had blood work done and when I went into her office I was fully expecting a "lecture" and a list of osteoporosis meds I must choose from to proceed further. Instead she looked at me and said she thought I had another disease call Hyperparathyroidism, where tumors grow on the parathyroid gland causing symptoms which mimic many of those of Parkinson's disease. Treatment? Simple, a 15 minute surgery to remove the gland with the tumor and within a few weeks feeling much improved with more energy and better health. That was an exciting revelation for me. A possible cause for many of my "irritating" symptoms? A "cure" for what I thought was incurable??
OK, how do I sign up for this ride? Surgeon get your scalpel and do your job! Make me better!

Next step-further blood tests to definitively diagnose the problem then on to Tampa, Florida where there is a Parathyroid clinic that specializes in this quick and seemly painless surgery. Great! No problem as mentally I was already packing my bags.

The 2nd set of blood tests returned to the office and on my next visit I found a confused doctor. Test results showed mixed results she did not predict so suggested another blood test in three weeks with a return to discuss this with her in four weeks. In a holding pattern here.

Waiting is a challenge for most of us. One of the Bible verses I have memorized is Psalm 27:14- "Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." OK, I can do that because I was sure the next blood work would prove I indeed had this disease and curing it was going to open new doors of ministry for me as I regained my strength and energy and symptoms went away. I was "Rejoicing in hope, (trying to be) patient in tribulation, and faithfully in prayer." Romans 12:12

Office visit three brought disappointment as the results came back basically in the upper normal range for calcium levels in the bone-translation-no hyperparathyroidism-back to the daily battles of an incurable, progressive disease. Basically, if I am honest with myself, I saw this as an "out of jail" free ticket, the jail being Parkinson's disease! Not in the cards or rather not in God's plan for me.

I am only human and disappointment set in. I know in my head God never fails and his ways are always perfect but I felt like the psalmist who penned: "Why are you cast down, O my soul? And why are you disquieted within me?" I was indeed "cast down"! I hate this disease and coping with it every day for the rest of my life seems like a "death" sentence. But wait a minute don't we all have a "death" sentence? The causes are varied but the human race can't avoid the final outcome. OK-how did the psalmist deal with his issues?

"Why are you cast down, O my soul?
Why are you disquieted within me?
Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him
for the help of His countenance."

God is my help and when He says No there is a reason. I just have to trust in His guidance and remember the Bible verse that is my verse for this year: "I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content."
There is a song that now resonates in my head: "Even If" by MercyMe
Here are a few of the lyrics:

"It's easy to sing
When there's nothing to bring me down
But what will I say
When I'm held to the flame
Like I am right now

I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone

They say it only takes a little faith
To move a mountain
Well good thing
A little faith is all I have, right now
But God, when You choose
To leave mountains unmovable
Oh give me the strength to be able to sing
It is well with my soul"

So I will choose to say-It is WELL with my soul!